2009-Good Luck With That

In anticipation of the New Year the Jester offers up his prognostications for the next twelve months. If any of this stuff actually happens the Jester will happily take full credit and/or eschew (gesundheit) all blame.

January-
The New Year starts not with a bang but with the proverbial whimper as Wall Street continues its headlong dive and the Dow goes into negative numbers. China cashes in all her US Treasury notes; fortunately the dollar is so devalued by the umpty gazillion dollars printed up for the occasion that we actually pay out only $1.57. China retaliates by flooding the ailing American auto market, selling its hottest domestic car for three cents per vehicle. American drivers are ecstatic at the car’s reported 200 miles per gallon until it is revealed that the car is powered by gassy dissidents. All this happens before noon on January 1st.
On January 20th Washington, D.C temporarily becomes the most populous city in the world as an estimated 700 million people from around the world gather on the Mall to celebrate the inauguration of Barack Obama, America’s first African-American President. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. looks on with a smile of approval.
The entire population of Kenya descends on Washington, having run the entire distance, including the Atlantic Ocean, in preparation for the 2012 Olympics.
In protest of the Inauguration, White South Carolinians once again try to secede from the Union until someone, talking very slowly, reminds them of what happened the last time they tried that.
Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and their ilk (and I do mean ilk) eat their metaphorical hearts out and continue to pretend to be relevant.
Tornado force winds wreak havoc around the world and panic ensues until it is realized that it’s just a planet wide collective sigh of relief at the end of the Bush administration.

February-
On February 2nd prognosticating groundhog Puxatawney Phil emerges from his burrow and sees his shadow, foretelling an early spring. He is not allowed to reenter because his home has been foreclosed.
Black History Month becomes blessedly irrelevant as America finally becomes aware that every month is Just Plain Whoever The Hell You Are History Month.
George Washington and Abraham Lincoln roll over in their respective graves as they wonder why their names and likenesses would be used to sell everything from new cars to used nose rings.
Valentine’s Day goes as it always does as men all across America do exactly the wrong thing, as usual.

March-
Daylight Saving Time takes effect on March 8th, once again demonstrating that Americans will fall for anything.
Saint Patrick’s Day riots break out in cities all across the USA when Irish revelers finally have their fill of all the drunks pretending to be Irish. Unfortunately the Irish are vastly outnumbered and too drunk to put up much of a fight.
Spring is cancelled in protest of Puxatawney Phil’s eviction. The homeless groundhog checks himself into rehab, saying that he is “just a shadow of his former self.”
Consequently, groundhog puns are outlawed and alleged humorist Lamar Deal is hauled away for a richly deserved thrashing.

April-
Benjamin Franklin’s adage, “In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes”, becomes eerily true when the U S Congress, in a desperate attempt to finance what has come to be called the “Good Lord, Now What? Bailout” passes a law making it illegal to die without paying a Death Tax of $1,000,000 per person. In protest, millions of indignant citizens refuse to die. A new ethnic group, Zombie-Americans, suddenly becomes the largest voting bloc in America.
Easter once again leaves tens of millions of children wondering why anyone would crucify the Easter Bunny and why the Calvary was so slow to respond.

May-
A horse named “Oh Crap I Can’t Believe I Bet The Mortgage On That Three Legged Mule” wins the Kentucky Derby. Delbert F’nortnoy, the only person to bet on the two hundred billion to one long shot, wins just exactly enough money to pay the tax on his winnings, which by a strange coincidence is the same amount as the collective Death Tax for all those Zombie-Americans still lurching around the country. They continue to refuse to die.
Cinco de Mayo becomes the most celebrated holiday in the country even though most gringos think it honors a sandwich spread. One celebrant sums up the popular sentiment: ”I’ll celebrate anything as long as there’s beer involved.”
Mother’s Day is renamed “Guiltapalooza” to reflect the true nature of the day.
New rules requiring cars participating in the Memorial Day classic Indianapolis 500 race to be pedal-powered make Lance Armstrong the winner by default after only one lap.
All across America the end of the school year is marked by a morbid dread of the next school year and an even more pervasive and realistic dread of the real world.

June-
A global rice shortage forces weddings to forego the ancient tradition of throwing rice at the bride and groom. Thousands are maimed as well-wishers instead hurl potatoes at the newlyweds.
The most popular Father’s Day gift this year is a Jerry Garcia tie so ugly that merely looking at it causes sterility. Jerry Garcia remains dead and, one presumes, grateful.

July-
A heat wave sweeps the planet, with 100 degree (Farfegnugen) temperatures recorded at the North Pole. The Antarctic ice cap melts away, raising the mean sea level hundreds of feet. Rush Limbaugh drowns in his penthouse radio studio denying to the very end that global warming exists. Al Gore issues a press release, which states in its entirety, “Neenerneenerneener, told you so.”
A surprise announcement on the Fourth of July reveals the long awaited capture of Osama bin Laden. America celebrates by administering a fireworks enema to the terrorist leader.

August-
Heat, heat and more heat. To correct a long-standing injustice, the “Dog Days of August” are renamed the “I Didn’t Poop On The Rug, I Didn’t Eat Your Homework and I’m Not Responsible For The Freakin’ Heat and Humidity Days”.
Washington in August is as empty as a politician’s heart and thus can do little harm. Nonetheless, they’ll be back and God help us all.
School starts back much too early and yet another generation feels the dank hand of conformity tapping on its shoulder. That generation sighs and gets right to work.

September-
Labor Day becomes ever more ironic. Period. I mean, dang.
The first crisp autumn day arrives with temperatures in the low 140s. Sweat soaked celebrants fail to burst into flame, causing a deceased Rush Limbaugh to exclaim from beyond his watery sepulcher, “I told you so!”

October-
October 12 is Columbus Day, commemorating the luckiest voyage by the luckiest idiot ever to command a leaky fleet. Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain financed the trip in the vain hope that Columbus would die at sea and thus shut the hell up. No such luck. Not only did the Admiral of the Ocean Sea survive, he managed to inflict the Old and New Worlds with what has been called the most infamous trade in human history: whiskey and syphilis for tobacco and gonorrhea. Native Americans celebrate by belatedly enacting more stringent immigration laws.
Children across the nation practice being scary for Halloween. Their best efforts fall far short of the news on any given day.

November-
Daylight Saving Time ends on November 1st proving once again (say it with me) that Americans will fall for anything.
Veterans Day once again begs the question, “Why?” No good answers are forthcoming.
Thanksgiving Day falls on a Thursday this year. Native Americans regret, yet again, not poisoning the first Thanksgiving feast. Tofurkey, a processed foodlike soy meat substitute, makes steady inroads toward becoming the traditional processed foodlike soy meat substitute of the holiday, making Native Americans regret that decision on poisoning all the more.

December-
The holidays Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are combined to create the first American super holiday, Christmakwanzanukkah. Emergency rooms nationwide are swamped as millions of well wishers seek treatment for sprained tongues from trying to pronounce the occasion.
The most popular toy this year is “Don’t &#*# With Me Elmo”, followed closely by “Crack Ho Barbie” (rocks and crack pipe sold separately).
On December 26th the 2010 holiday shopping season officially begins.
The year ends on a high note with all of us wishing all of you a Happy New Year.