Gunfight Erupts at City Commission Meeting, Dozens Injured

The Mayor and the Chief of Police stood back to back, weapons drawn. “This is it,” said the Mayor, “the moment of truth!” The City Commissioners surrounded them, fangs bared and nerves taut, ready to spring. Suddenly a shot rang out!

The Mayor fired as he dove for the window, both .45s spitting death. The Chief vaulted the rostrum, sweeping the room with his trusty Glock. The sudden attack only fueled the Commissioners rage.

“Curse you, Mr. Mayor!” cried the Commission Chairperson, “Curse you and all your kind!”

“I’m hit!” sobbed the District Four Commissioner, falling into a pool of his own blood.

“Got your back, Dude!” shouted District Three. “They’ll pay! Oh, yes, they’ll pay!”

Bullets rent the air; shots flew wild. “Democracy ain’t always pretty, Chief!” yelled the Mayor, “But it’s the best system of government of the people, by the people and for the people ever invented!”

“You betcha!” replied the Chief. “You dad-blame betcha!”

That’s the story I would have liked to write. But, noooo, everybody has to be all civil and nice. Parliamentary Procedure my eye! Robert’s Rules and all that lot. Who is this Robert guy anyway? And just where did he get those rules? Where’s the drama in that?

There’s quite a bit of drama in that, actually. A well run meeting has its own quiet, dignified beauty. There’s a cordial give and take of opinion, without overt rancor, that I have come to admire.

Once upon a time I regarded all politicians as lazy, self serving scumbags interested only in self promotion and self aggrandizement. Having become involved in politics this past election I’m here to tell you: Whatever their reasons for seeking office, avoiding work is not one of them. City and county commissioners can’t even walk down the street without encountering some disaffected citizen who needs a road paved or a zoning variance approved or some such thing. I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to tugging at the sleeve of some poor bedeviled public servant. When the crew paving the road in front of my house fell behind due to wet weather, I was on the phone bugging the daylights out of my county commissioner. He deftly informed me that paving takes as long as it takes because of any number of factors, etc. and blah de blah blah. Well. Fact is, he was right and he was way more civil in his reply than I was in the asking.

Then there’s the sheer amount of information that the average public servant has to master. Part of my job as a journalist is to ask questions of these folks that I myself couldn’t answer right off the top of my head, or even off the middle or the bottom. We ask them, and if they hesitate or hem and haw we ride them like circus ponies. A good politician (and there is such a thing) will not only remember your face (even though he or she only met you once, at the Joe Whosit reception in Gooberville, Tennessee back in 1999), the astute politician will also know your name, your wife’s name, that your mama was down with the gout and what your views were on the Boogersnatch Amendment.

Not only do they have to remember all that, they have to be able to recall at a moment’s notice Section 1, Subsection 17, paragraph 322 (h) (amended) of the Wonkwonkwonkwonk Protocol until the whole mess starts to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher doing that trombone talk thing that she does.

I don’t see how they do it, but then, more than once I’ve spent thirty minutes looking for my car keys with them in my hand, so what do I know. I do know this: There’s a lot more to politics and politicians than I ever suspected.

Not that there aren’t some real grifters in both parties. I personally believe that we as a nation won’t be politically mature until we have corruption in several parties instead of just the two that we’re used to.

Meanwhile, back at the City Commission: “Meeting adjourned!”